[Life attempting to imitate art...]

It'll Make Your Head E'splode....

2010-05-19T04:01:00.000-07:00

I noticed something the other day; I've never really explained much of "who I am" on this blog. I've said the basics of any fresh, post-adolescent would [simple phrases that sound clever when you type them, only to sound mundane and seedy upon later examination,] but, I've never said who I really am. What am I afraid of? It's not like anyone reads this. In fact, the only one whom I would ever want to read this, probably does glance at it every now-and-then. And now that I think of it, he's the only person that ever made any unprovoked mention of it to me. I bet you're all just digging your paper-thin fingernails into your seat by now, just wondered "Who is this incredible, considerate stranger she's speaking of?! Le gaspsz! I. MUST. KNOW!!!!111exclamationone!" ...-_-;; Yes, yes, I'll tell you! But, just so you know, a bit of suspense never hurt anyone! Hell, it's the only thing making Julianna Moore's career tolerable [actually, I like her thrillers...we have the same birthday.] Seriously, though, his name is Nick. Nicholas David Schultz, to be precise. And before you say it out loud, I know; isn't that just a nice roll off the tongue? I think so. He is my everything. I love him. I am hopelessly, completely, and totally in love with him! It's a ridiculous concept for those who haven't experienced it. [I mean, being in love in general, not just loving Nick...but it's still pretty damn amazing.] But, most likely, you'd look at a girl like me and think "How the hell can this short, little titted thing even BEGIN to know what love is?" I'd have probably said the same thing looking in the mirror a few months ago, but trust me, I know what love is. True love. A little too corny for you, big guy? Suck it. The things they say in all those crappy Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks (or Kate Hudson/Matthew Macoughnahayjayfaggyfay for all you 00's) yeah, all that shit is bull. It's conversation filler for us. I suppose you'd find a more accurate representation of our love in literature. Good literature. Accountable stories are written about incredible moments, turning points, and feelings in people's lives...and occasionally, aliens. I mean, the "that only happens in fairy tales and the movies" line? All the fairy tales had to come from somewhere; reality! Hell, even stereotypes are based on real accountable people. I can truly say I believe that only a handful of people on the planet have felt for each other like Nick and I do. Unless, we're totally insane...which is fine actually, because this insanity is bliss. We've both had rough lives. Completely different, but very related situations plagued our childhoods and adolescence. Of course, everyone goes through a lot of the exact same stuff we did, it's just part of growing up; BUT, there were a lot of strange factors that have made us who we are today that you wouldn't normally find in every day life...

A quick-ish summary of my life would be this; Born in Illinois, started figure skating (among many other sports) around the age of Four. At Six, I decided I only wanted to skate. At Eight, my mother and I permanently moved to Colorado. I had been traveling back and fourth from IL to CO for three years already (my parents had a vacation home there.) Three days before we left for the new school year in IL, my father had a fight with my extremely strict, Catholic Nun-bitch of a school principal. Home school, anyone? I stayed in CO on a regular basis for skating and went home for the holidays (sometimes.) At Ten, I had my first, really bad injury from skating. After that, I decided I didn't want to compete in singles anymore, and switched to ice dancing because I figured it would be "easier..." Fail. Ice dancing turned out to be the best and worst choice of my life. I moved up in levels very quickly (faster than anyone had in over 20 years) and soon needed a partner to compete with. SO, I finally found one in Illinois of all places! I moved back home at Fourteen. That was a bad decision. The partnership didn't work out, and I moved back to CO a year later. Soon after that, I started training in Dallas, Texas. It seemed like a new start. It was, but not a very good one. I didn't have much luck finding a good partner, so I just kept working as hard as possible on skating and school. I graduated high school two years earlier than most people, but still no partner. Sounds like it must be me, right? Yeah, that's what I thought, too. Actually, I thought something more along the lines of "I must not be pretty enough. I'm too fat." Well, a bit of extreme working out and dieting, followed soon by anorexia and heavy bulimia fixed that "fat" problem up, right quick! Thanks, misguided perception of what a woman "should" look like, media! After losing every possible working brain cell in my head (plus the constantly breaking nails, falling clumps of hair and the unbelievably blind depression) I decided it was time for a change. Due to some crazy circumstances, I ended up moving to Michigan to train with the top coaches in the nation. By this point, I hated my life so much, I didn't really seem to know what was going on. My mother was out of town a few days before the move getting things ready up in MI, whilst I stayed down in Texas, packing. Well, I slipped taking out the garbage and nearly broke my ankle in half! Thanks complete loss of bone density! So, I stayed at home in Illinois for a few weeks while it healed. The doctor that originally checked it in Texas told me it would probably take 4-6 weeks to heal. Nah, it took a total of 15 weeks to heal, due to the fact that my cells were hardly reproducing. The doctors in IL were smart enough to see that I needed help and gave me a full blood work up and a check up without even charging me. Turns out I was almost dead! I was just too weak to care. I pretty much ignored his words and continued with the move to MI. Well, the sudden appearance of bleeding ulcers put me back in the doctors office. I'll never forget his exact words of "Your body is digesting itself. The walls of your digestive system are disintegrating. If you don't stop treating yourself like you are now, you'll be dead in about a week. 14 days, tops..." There have only been three times in my life where I can say that I have gone completely numb. This was one of them. What was I doing to myself? What had I done? I didn't even have the energy to shed more than a few tears. I had done it to myself; there was no one else to blame. But, it was the skating that was keeping me in that mind set. I had hated skating for years by then. I decided to stop. So, we moved back to Texas. I spent over a year sitting in my room, sleeping during the day, and getting fat and crying at night. I went from one end of the cliff to the other by that point. I finally decided to make a change and got the help I needed. It wasn't really much at the time; a few months of sessions with a good therapist. I decided to move back to Illinois last August. I worked so hard to get healthy, my body healing itself made my heart do some strange and extremely painful things, which in turn made the doctors think I was dying again! That was the second time I've gone completely numb. I'd go into more detail, but it honestly was a relatively "quick-fix." Family friend of a good friend at the time had helped me through quite a bit of it. What a strange series of events, there! It was a small group of friends that prompted me to move home. One of them had a terrible accident that left him very badly injured. It opened my eyes a bit wider to how selfish I had really been with my own life, and gave me even more initiative to keep working towards good health. His recovery also gave me something to help with during my free time, and introduced me to some wonderful new people. Funny as it is for me, I ended up singing in their church choir last December. I'd actually fancied for a split second once that "maybe I just needed faith in God." I then laughed my ass off. I had become friends with the eldest daughter of this family for a time, but mainly because she had accepted me with open arms as who I was. I knew we weren't destined to stay friends, but I suppose I took what I got. I'm not positive what prompted it, but the friend who was in the accident (whom I had developed childish feelings for) started treating me very badly. I was greatly hurt by this, considering all I had done for him, but my feelings quickly faded as if they were nothing. I knew that the feelings weren't "real" but it did give me something to focus on for a short time. I became rather lonely after that, and ended up on the computer on a night (morning) much like now, just stalking facebook profiles. I had become "friends" with the current boyfriend of the best friend of the sister of the church family's daughter. His name was Nicholas Schultz, and he was gorgeous. Crazy? Indeed. But I met him while I was at the family's home one night, and was immediately intrigued. Mainly, I thought he was completely out of my league, but I didn't have much more to lose at the time, so I tried to keep in light contact with him. I was interested in him, but he was dating a girl who was most certainly not shy about vocalizing to my face how much she didn't like me, and her best friend simply followed in her wake. I didn't want to tamper with something like that, and I'd never even attempt to get involved with someone in a relationship...no matter how strange a match it seemed to be. On my internet quest to defeat loneliness, I came across his profile. I had noticed a page on his friends list that seemed to intrigue my interest, and thought "Ahh, the hell with this" and messaged the person. That started a very strange chain of events, that I may just have to wait to publish, judging by whether Nick is comfortable with it, and the fact that's it's 6am and I haven't slept...

More 2-Dimensional Random'ness...

2010-04-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

What an odd weekend! Spent too many days indoors. Why have I become so damn agoraphobic? Well, fuck.

Ever have one of those days where you nearly feel every possible emotion? I woke up this morning in a wonderful mood, full of love and laughter. I faded a bit throughout the morning to early afternoon, but was able to force myself out of the house for lunch with a friend, but then, a great mood turns sour when unforeseen circumstances occur (not like I haven't seen enough of that myself over the past few weeks,) but it's almost harder to watch someone else go through it. So, the next mood flowing through me was worry, followed closely by concern. Things quickly calmed down to finding the positive in a double negative, so then everything seemed okey-dokey. I came home and relaxed lightly, feeling a bit dazed, but content as one could possibly get in such a situation. I soon spoke to the love of my life, to find that I wasn't the only one who was out of their own in-brain comfort zone. The feelings of love soon returned in full, and left me in a good mood for awhile. Then, out of the blue (which is such a strange phrase for me to use...especially because I don't particularly like the color blue) I felt conveyed to something near anger. I'm still not really sure why... I soon decided to expel that with some activity, but was overcome with a feeling that can only be described as impending doom. Odd, I know! I decided that I should take a walk, but something twice as long as I normally would be out. I was denied that by the now bleeding blister that formed on my right heel. God damn, you Sketchers! Alas, I came home to relax. I am now writing...multiple documents, actually! I'm in a creative, but not very driven, mood. That could be in part to the 4 hours of sleep I received last night, the vodka I'm currently sipping, or the sunlight I ventured into today. I love being outside, but only at night, really. Alas, it's too late to wander at the moment...and my foot is still bleeding. >_<

I'll leave you with "The Cloaked Man." Another recent, two-dimensional drawing. He is a bit of a mixture between the Grim Reaper and a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Speaking of which, did you know they had a website? Yeah, kkk.com. I shit you not. I only know this, however, because I googled "KKK" to make sure I had the correct annotation of their annogram, not because I'm a racist or something... Anway, enjoy!

Insert inane title here...

2010-04-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, I did say that I wasn't going to do a daily post. Maybe I lied a little? With how much time I've had on my hands, I wouldn't be surprised if I post a couple times a day. >_< What the hell. No one gives a shit, anyway.

Let's look at another drawing, shall we? Nothing special, but I like dragons! Click it for bigger size. She's done on a printer paper size sheet of orange. The Kanji in the bottom-right corner is "Love." Not sure what love has to do with dragons, but I like Kanji. Deal with it.

Maybe I'll keep this current from now on...

2010-04-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal. I'm gonna attempt to use this piece of crap from now on because Facebook continuously seems to piss me off, and Myspace is still stuck in 2006. I figure it'll work like this; I'm stuck in a godforsaken state of hell for the next few months. I'm bored out of my skull, and devoid of most social interaction, besides the internet. Can't say that's not by choice though, given the circumstances. I've been focusing more on the things I love; music and art. My newest compositions aren't copyrighted (or even recorded yet, for that matter,) so the only thing I've got to show for my recent appreciation of happiness is my awkward drawings and ramblings. They will be placed here, post by post. I'm not doing anything daily, weekly or otherwise. I'm posting whenever the fuck I remember to. I'm well aware that I have almost no followers on this page, but meh, everybody's gotta start somewhere.

Just because I'm not in the mood to describe any of my latest notes, I'll start with a drawing. This guy is done on the back of a 3x5" flash card (in fact, this is probably actual size.) He's nothing special, but what sort of started me drawing again. I'm not so wonderful when it comes to creating two-dimensional artwork, but I find this one sort of interesting. He currently resides on my boyfriend's bedroom wall, watching over the room and warding off rapists...

2009-07-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

During a recent conversation with my friend Erika, I said "I'm not afraid of what's around me, only of myself." I find that statement to be very true. Although it was uttered in everyday-conversation, it represents my way of thinking at the moment. I don't fear the world around me; terrorists, criminals, natural disasters, horror movies, even death. These things aren't in my control, so why should I worry? But when it comes to my own mind, I can terrify myself. My way of thinking can be so obscure, that it makes me shake. I worry that I'm going to fall into my former self; an addict of my desires. I can't say I'm far from that tipping point right now, although I find myself on the other side of the cliff in this instance... Of course, this is what I'm trying to work on, and to ease away from. But like most things in life, this takes time. It's a step by step process. And sadly, I'm only just starting to walk. If I had something to work for a few months ago, I would be much farther along by now. But I suppose better late than never! At least now I have a goal. Without a goal or an agenda, I seem to feel lost. But, like all bad times, this will pass.

My current "motto" (well actually it's just what I wrote on my arm last night,) is "Don't be afraid of what you say, or do." Depending on how you take that, it's quite helpful. If you're a homicidal maniac, that might not be so good, but you get the point.

2009-07-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

My friend James recently discovered an old profile of mine on the social site "vidilife.com." I must say I was quite embarrassed by his finding, but I suppose it could have been worse. At least I'm aware of the fact that I am a complete dork, but have changed immensely in the past few years to the point of having almost no recognition of my former self..."almost" being the key word, there.

Along with the link to my old profile, I came across three blogger profiles that I never used more than once or twice. I have since exported those blogs to my current profile, gone over the posts, and deleted two of of them. The one I kept was from 2005. It was a blog I used for my crappy poetry. So, if you're into that kind of shit, check out http://lovedorloathed.blogspot.com/
Granted, there are only 3 posts I kept on the blog itself, it's there for your enjoyment.

I suppose that's all my news for today.
So, God is good, free Tibet, all that jazz.

2009-07-22T02:44:00.000-07:00

Let me just start off by saying this: *screams loudly.*

So, I'm stuck in the same situation as I always seem to be in; what to do about school. Technically, I don't have to go to University, but I should. Problem is, I don't want to go to a crappy community college for two semesters of basics. BUT, looks like that's probably what I'm going to end up doing. The classes here are most likely already filled up, so I wouldn't even be able to start until after Winter break. I suppose it doesn't really matter though. It doesn't matter when I start into college, just as long as I do. Now, where to go from there...

I'm a mediocre artist, amateur composer/pianist, and a shitty singer.
What the fuck do I do with that? I want to be an art major, but I don't believe I have enough natural talent to get into SAIC, which is where I REALLY want to go. I love playing the piano, but I'm not exactly Julliard materiel. I love to write, but I need to be superbly good to make any money with that. Well, you need to be superbly good to make money in any field. I also need something to fall back on... ugh, I don't even wanna think about that.

I realize now that I'm fucked for life unless I can get into a good school OR I marry someone absurdly wealthy (or whom has the potential to be.) Haha, and if the latter happens it'll be a miracle. So, school it is.

Until then, here's a couple chalk/soft pastel drawings from the past few days:

Happy 7/4/09...

2009-07-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July, America. Today is a day to have BBQ's, watch fireworks, drink beer, and get killed in car accidents. Luckily, I myself will not be partaking in such activities. I am alone this weekend, so today is going to consist of sleeping, working on a new sculpture and more sleeping. I may throw some writing in there, and a meal or two. I'll most likely be spending the evening calming down the dog as she runs through the house freaking out over the fireworks. I thought she was going to burrow through the floor last month when we had the tornado. The strangest part during that storm was that we were the only part of town with power. Everyone surrounding us was out. Yet the other night, when there was no storm or any other anomaly, the power went out for a good two hours. Mother fuggin' Texas.

I guess I'll leave you with a piece I did the other day. It's another for the Skull-a-Day blog. This is probably my last piece for awhile that's affiliated with skulls. The muse is fading. This is a cut paper design that started with a sketch of an alien'ish skull. After copying the sketch, and a bit of tedious work, this is the end result. His name is Fred. :)

The original sketch...

And the end result...

Too much time on my hands...

2009-06-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the marvelous Skull-a-Day blog, ( http://skulladay.com/ ) I have found a new muse; skulls. Now, don't gimme the "Tierney, that's gross! You worship the dead..." speech. Because everyone seems to think I have some sort of necrophilia fetish. Which. Is. Awful.

I simply try to find beauty in everything. Skulls don't have to be scary or tacky like the guys that get the lame "flaming skull" tattoos. Besides, we all have nasty, flesh covered bones inside of us. At least with something like this to focus on for a little bit, I can work more with human anatomy. I can't spend my entire life sculpting and drawing figures with missing body parts. Well, actually I could if Picasso could get away with putting the pieces in strange places... But that's beside the point.

This is something I just finished yesterday. It's for the Skull-a-Day June Contest to create a flag. It's nothing special, but it was fun to make. Believe or not, the easiest part was sketching the skull. It sort of flowed perfectly with the fabric. The script took some time, but it was worth it. It translates to "Satan's Blood House." I think my favorite part is the emblem with the little dancing skeleton. If you haven't figured it out, it's a flag for Hades. :)

Creating a life...

2009-06-23T18:47:00.001-07:00

Since I have decided to apply to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago and the Art Institute of Dallas, it's time to build my portfolio; starting from the ground up. I need to get together all the pieces I've created (whether good or bad) from the last couple of years until I apply. So, I have to get my ass moving! My favorite way to work is with lots of different, manageable materials to create collages. Although, I love to draw, paint and sculpt. Problem is, I need to improve immensely before really being considered anything more than amature. At least with my mother and sister, both of whom were art majors, I have someone who will be honest with me on whether my work sucks or not!

I thought I'd post a couple of old favorites to show off....because sooo many people follow this blog! ;)

Someone please klonk me on the head...

2009-06-18T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am deeply in love with two spirits; music & art. I am oddly attached to certain songs and visual works of art.

Have you ever felt like someone was "made for you?" Yes? No? What about a composition or a painting? I came across a piece the other day that is absolutely perfect for my novels cover art. (That is, when I finish it, and if it gets published. [my sister got a publisher interested in her very first book, so maybe with her advice and a lot of luck, I can too. {but I didn't get to read her entire book, so it's probably amazing compared to mine so I may not have a shot *even though our stories are complete opposites* but I may be wasting my time with all this research and shit.}])

Wow, those parenthesis were an ordeal.

I am currently working on three projects right now - a new composition, a collagesque piece, and a sculpture. I get so caught up in these things, that time just seems to fall away. Last night, I was sketching and gluing and cutting away when I realized it was after midnight. So I thought I'd take a break and say hello to some friends online, then head to bead. After about 15min on Facebook, I see that I misread the clock and it's not 12:30am...it was 2:30am. Mother fucker. So this morning I was woken up early because my Grandmother, who thought I went to bed at 10, not realizing I was in the downstairs studio. What's sad is considering how long I've been awake, I've gotten nothing accomplished farther than letting the dogs outside and scooping food into their bowls. Although I did make a cup of coffee... Anyway, enough whining!

I leave you with a fun project from last week; don't cringe, it's just nail polish:

My mother (or me, I can't remember) broke this wine glass, so I recycled it. I suppose if you broke a wine glass whilst drinking out of it, slit your lip, and you bled a lot...this might be what it'd look like. The "wine" level, is a bit uneven because I ran out of nail polish, but that can all be fixed with a trip to Walgreen's. Problem is I haven't gotten there yet...

How tragically stereotypical...

2009-05-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

Wow.
What a life I lead.
How do I do it?
I really get around...

I find myself feeling like shit soiled shoes sitting on the back stoop as they await for you to hose them off. After a breakdown that came out of nowhere, I'm sitting in the dark on my mother's desktop (because my fucking, piece of shit computer won't connect to the internet at this time, AGAIN.) Aaryn has been here this week, and it's certainly been fun, but leave it up to my messed up little head to make me crazy this week. I'm usually pretty good; I can normally hold it all in until it finally just goes away. But, NO. Tonight, I fucking lose it. To the point where I poured myself a drink and can actually down a bit of it without gagging. I can't even feel it burn as it rolls down my throat. I think I'm too "in shock." I know for a fact that right now, these vacation plans that started out to be a one week vacation have gone from one week, to 14 days, to two weeks, to not at all. I know it'd be months away, but it's just not going to happen. Wanna know why? Because of me and my fucking brain. Leave it up to me to screw up my life SO much, that I now might end up in a hospital. And I wish it were the psych ward. In fact, I'd probably welcome that right now. I would personally like to go back home to Chicago this time to deal with treatment. But, if I do that I'll end up leaving my mother alone all week, and I'll be alone most of the day and every weekend. BUT, right now I could probably use that. Go home, find a crappy job, and live my life on my own for awhile. I think that sounds pretty good. Maybe now, I WILL go out and get one of the tattoos I've always wanted. Maybe the one on my ankle. As long as no one else can legally stop me, what's stopping me from doing it? Being scared of my parents? Self respect for a "clean" body? Fuck that. If I want it, I think I should get it and I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks! If they don't like it, tough shit. I am sick of this shit. I am sick of this life. I am fucking sick of where and what I am. I have become something I have despised for my entire life. A lazy fucking hermit crab with no ambitions and no life. Fuck. This. Shit. I am gonna finish my damn novel, record my damn songs in a studio, get as many damn tattoos as I want and change who I am to someone I like. If I saw me on the street, I wouldn't wanna hang out with me. I'd probably say "Here's a $20, go find a motel room and take a shower." I mean, I don't care if people like me, I want people to fucking fear me. And whether that fear is for my intimidating confidence, or for my white-blond hair and painted black eyes; either one works for me. I'm fucking done with this part of my life. The end.

2009-05-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

All older posts have been deleted.**